Doug: Ronin

Piano. It seems like a lot of significant times in my life are heavy on the piano. It is an instrument that is hard to mistake, the sound is unlike any other. It rolls over you, the music seems inevitable, like a tidal wave. Catches you up and spits you out on the other shore, exhausted, satisfied, empty/full at the same time.

There’s something simmering inside of me. Anger I can’t get seem to get out. I wonder if it comes from the contempt or genuine offensives. I feel old, bitter, angry. So full of this rage that I can’t seem to let go.

How can I be so lonely when I’m among so many friends?

Every instinct in me says ‘Go. Get away from this. It’s long past time for you to be different.’ I’ve never run from a fight in my life, but I fear staying so much. But to leave, without any kind of resolution…

I wish I was a less honest man. Then I would have better explanations. Reasons. Instead… instead I should tell the truth.

Hate fills me up again. Disgust. Rage. I wish it would show itself on my skin so people would see who I am. This curse needs to be seen, revealed. Then maybe I’ll be free of it.

Right. Like you’ll ever be free of this wanderlust. Like you’ll ever stop resenting anything tying you to one place. Like you’ll ever treat anyplace as home anymore. Like you have a home. Home is where the heart is.

What heart?

-Doug
I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay today” Ingrid Michaelson “Be okay”