Meghan: The real cause of the common cold

I cracked open my eyes to the bright light of day, hoping to go directly to my desk and study for my upcoming finals until I passed out. But what I saw perched on the bedspread stopped me cold; there was a tiny chicken in my bed.
“Shit, shit…” I cursed softly as the little creatures hopped down my chest. I reached with one hand to the side table for the book I had fallen asleep reading and shook Jasmine awake with the other.
“Uhh?” She groaned blearily and turned my way. The tiny chicken sensed her breath and darted for her open mouth, but I was too quick. With one hand I sealed Jasmine’s mouth safely shut and with the book in the other hand I smashed the tiny chicken flat.
“Damn things, I thought the cats got all of them.” I muttered. Jasmine was wide awake now and happily scraped the tiny chicken off the bedspread, murmuring something about specimen jars.
“It didn’t get you did it?” She asked, concerned.
“I don’t think so…” I carefully felt my nose, ears, and mouth searching for some evidence that a tiny chicken had been there.
But then I felt it. That telltale popping that can mean only one thing; a tiny chicken has laid its eggs in your head.
“Uuuuggghhhh…” I groaned, leaning forward onto the bed. Jasmine patted me sympathetically on the back, setting a box of Kleenex down beside me as the eggs popping in my head dripped their mucus down through my nasal passages and out through my nose.
Several days later I was curled in a blanket on the couch with a bowl of mint ice cream for my throat. The egg-mucus had worked its magic and I felt miserable from the neck-up.
“You know, milk and sugar only make the tiny chickens stronger.” Jasmine told me as she plopped down next to me. I glared at her and licked another glorious spoonful down. I didn’t care if my tiny chickens came out green and minty fresh, the ice cream felt wonderful on my ravaged throat. Jasmine had started carrying around various smashing tools and sleeping with a sealed helmet. All was in preparation for the eventual emersion of my fully grown tiny chickens. Personally, I was hoping that they were all eaten by our cats, I didn’t quite trust her smashing skills; but Jasmine wanted to be prepared. I felt a sneeze building from a long way off and grabbed a tissue. When I finally sneezed it was such a huge relief I almost didn’t feel the thing that flew out of my left nostril. My own home-grown tiny chicken landed with a little splat on the coffee table and fluffed out its wings. Jasmine and I just stared at it in shock, but the cats were not so frozen. When the tiny feathered thing hopped off the table it was a mad dash to see which cat could devour the thing first.
“Okay.” Jasmine handed me a pickle jar, “sneeze out another one.”
“I don’t need to sneeze.”
“Then just hang onto that until you do. They’re supposed to come out at about the same time, right?”
“Yes, but—“ And then I sneezed, my eyes crossing with the force of it. With all the concentration and precision of a person catching her girlfriend’s tiny chickens in a pickle jar (which is quite a lot), she caught what launched from my face and slammed the lid down.
“Oooohhh…” I groaned, sliding down on the couch.
“Ohh! Twins!” Jasmine held the jar up to the light, “Congratulations mama.”
“Shut…up…”
She laughed at me and went to make me tea.
I dragged myself up and looked into the jar. The little chickens were pecking and scratching around aimlessly, trying to get up the sloping glass sides, “What do you want them for anyway?”
“Oh…things.” Jasmine set a steaming mug down in front of me
“Things?” I asked archly.
“Just some people I want to…you know…I doubt I’ll ever use them.”
“Mmmhmm.”
“Shhh.” She clicked on the TV and the theme from Buffy the vampire Slayer echoed in the house. “You’re sick; we’ll talk about it when you’re better.”
“Actually I’m feeling a lot better now that the tiny chickens are gone—“
“Shhh…”She smoothed my hair back from my face, “Poor, sick Meghan.”
I resisted the urge to punch her in the kidneys and settled in to watch many vampires turn to dust. The episode was briefly interrupted when I sneezed and another tiny chicken burst from my nose to be chased by cats and Jasmine waving a jar. I almost felt sorry for the poor thing.
Just another normal day.





-M