That guy "I LIKE TO CALL IT LOST WAGES!!!!!!!!!!!!"

To call it day two for me would be a lie. It was, simply, a continuation of day one. This will be told from the view that I remember. Which I’m surprised is anything.

We pulled in from the strip, and after settling for a little while, Doug and the girls decide to crash. This is totally understandable, being that it’s about 2:30 in the morning. I make my way to my couch. I plug my headphones in, and the outside sounds disappear. But sleep is denied to me. A quarter gallon of Red Bull will do that to you. Eventually, about 2 hours later, I restart my sleepy-time playlist once more, and drift into nothing.

6:00 am
My subconscious rumbles as motion fills the room. I jolt awake, ready for anything. It’s just our host family starting more wedding preperations. This brings my total of sleep to 4.5 hours since before driving out. The groggy agony settles quickly. We have work to do.

I change from the casual clothes that I have to the super casual. It’s too early for me to function like this, so I slap shoes on my feet, and take off. It’s not even fully light outside yet, but it’s still hot. And I love it. I run for a while. It balances out. I’ve been sick for a while, but the elevation is lower. So I go uphill. It’s tasty. I run to the top of the hill, turn around, and turn into the wrong apartment complex. Luckily, I realize this before I get too far in there.

I make my way back to my couch, which has been conquered by the forces of weddings to come, so I snag a computer chair. Naturally, with a computer in front of me, I am bound to get on the internet. After making sure that everyone in the universe knows that I like to call it lost wages, and a few other random surfing things, the day must go on. I commit myself to helping out with the wedding, but I get distracted. I somehow have grown a tumor in the shape of a child. He insists on doing things. I find a basketball and head out to the court.

Now, I got pretty fucking good at basketball in Utah. I practiced almost every day, and just about everyone there was a million times better, so I picked up real quick. My goal was to come back and shit on Jarrod’s life in HORSE.

It turns out that not playing every day for a year, or at all for that matter, makes you kinda suck. Plus, the ball was flat. I set it on my plan list to get some ball needles later, because I had my bike pump in my backpack.

I went back inside, and ate the most adorable bowl of Cap’n Crump ever. By this time, Jasmine is up. Somehow, I’ve been designated chauffer for the everything. My mission now is to take people to the chapel. And then the mall. And then the apartment. And then the chapel. And then the mall. And then the chapel.

Or something. But it turns out that I forgot a step. And our hostess’ mother was left at the apartment. But it all worked out.

And so started my day.

I dropped the girls off at the mall to get hair done and such, and then went back to the chapel. Apparently, someone left a makeup bag there. When I arrive at the chapel, I am informed that Jason, our host, has already been informed, and has already left to take the makeup bag to the mall.

I’m in the clear. With nothing to do at the moment, and really no idea where I am, I head back to the one of two places I can navigate to from the chapel. The mall. My goal is to find an arcade and play some DDR, or shoot shit for a while, until I’m given orders again. I wander hopelessly until I find a map, and am not shown any kind of video amusement. Seriously. They have slot machines in their fucking toilets, but they can’t have an arcade in their mall. I consider my options. A sporting goods store sign catches my eye. I head over, because they have plenty of things to smash other things with, so I like those stores. During my wandering, I realize I could get myself those basketball needles while I’m in the store. So I do, and I leave. I plan to hit the food court next, so I examine the map again.

I realize, I’ve never seen people getting their hair done, so I check the map for hair places. There’s too many, so I just call Jasmine and ask where they are. It’s relatively on the track I was going, so I continue towards the salon, passing through the food court, but not really seeing anything until I come across a little place I love so much. As Brody said in Mallrats, “It’s an autonomous eating unit.”

Ben and Jerry’s rules. It’s delicious, air conditioned, and colorful. The one I stopped in also happened to be staffed by an attractive girl. Time to put Abe-mode into overdrive.


An hour later my phone starts buzzing. Apparently I forgot to take grandma to the chapel. The universe is now falling apart. The mood has been shattered. I take my leave, and meet up with Jason, who is in a PISS poor mood, because of our dear friend Jessica. Apparently, she’s a snobbish, up stuck prick, with delusions of grandeur, and an Elektra complex towards Margaret. Some very, VERY hurtful things were said. Jason vents to me for twenty minutes. The only thing that keeps me from walking into the hair salon and making Jess deepthroat a curling iron is the fact that I have suddenly been charged with keeping the world together. I now have grocery shopping to do. I now have other kinds of shopping to do. And I have to haul things from the mall, to the apartment, to the chapel, to the apartment, to the chapel, and sometime inbetween this find time to take a shower, clean up, and go to a wedding.

I become very familiar with Vegas in the next few hours. Luckily, everything gets taken care of until the last second. We need speakers to hook up to Margaret’s Ipod to play music for the wedding. One final trip with Doug at my side, and we charge through it.

And now it’s wedding time.


Everyone’s tensions are gone. It’s a fascinating feeling. Everyone’s been to a wedding before. But this was the first wedding where I’ve actually been intimate with someone who’s getting married. The service was small, short and beautiful. The after reception was also very pleasant. Low key. Everything went off without a hitch. Cleanup was long, but a decent change of pace, knowing that there was no time limit. Doug and I went on a laser mission for a balloon.

The sun started to fade as we finished. It was a beautiful spectacle. Eventually, we made our way back to the apartment. I was lead to believe the plan was to go see a movie or something. I decided to play a little ball, use the internet and just kick it in general. I took a shower too. Somewhere in there. About 10pm, I took a nap. A shitty, overheated nap. Total count, 5.5 hours of sleep. At 11, we piled into cars, and charged over to In-n-Out. Double-doubles for the win. They were delicious. And with that, we made our way back to the apartment one last time. I gathered my gear together, and departed.

You guys can have the last part. My drive back is going to be a separate entity.





HE COMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!