Meghan: Can you see?

This is the most perfect place.
You say that you know one better? You have never been to mine.
Every love, every terror, every experience can be found within its twisting corridors, and all that it takes to bring you where you want is a thought. Set your hands against the shifting walls of a castle and the stone will blend to grass, windows to sky, and cobwebs to stars. In the spaces of my mind I walk, never bored, never lonely, always safe.

“What?”
“That’s it.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“Yes it does.”
“Ana, you’re crazy.”
Ana narrowed her eyes at her friend, “You’re not supposed to use the c-word.”
The other girl rolled her eyes and released a raggedy strand of hair she had been chewing, “What, are you going to do? Tell on me?”
“No.” Ana said quietly, staring hard at the paper she was drawing on.
“Aw Ana, I’m sorry. I know you’re not…I won’t say it again okay?” Her friend said earnestly.
“You’d better not Claudia,” Ana sniffed, “If you get into trouble again you might go away. And I couldn’t—“ She bit her lip hard and the crayon she was drawing with left dark pressure streaks across her paper.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Claudia picked up a blue crayon and started drawing stars on the page, “Stupid that they don’t give us colored pencils or markers or something.”
“No pointy things, that’s what mom said, not after…” Ana’s sentence whispered into nothing as they both remembered. It was an unspoken rule; they never talked about the bad things. But nothing could stop them from remembering.

She lay in a field with her hair spread all around her. It fell in cornflower waves, not the short, manageable cut she had in the other place. She stroked bunches of it in her fingers and listened to the sweet smelling grass sing to the stars that winked above. And then the moon began its haunting tune and she couldn’t help but sing with it in her high sweet soprano. She stretched out her fingers and pulled a winking star down to her, whispering and giggling as they snuggled into her grassy nest. She threaded his brilliance between her fingers and he whispered the secrets of the sky for only her to hear.

But then all she had to do was open her eyes, and the truth would be there. Why did that have to be the truth? Why couldn’t she live in the one she had made, the brilliant fantastic truth that lived behind closed eyes?

“Parent day. Could there be a worse day?” Claudia rolled her eyes and tugged at her shirt. One of the few advantages of this day was they were allowed to wear real clothes. As long as there were no zippers or dangerous looking buttons.
“Evaluation day.” Ana said, “Evaluation day is the worst.” And it was, but it was also the best. The day their cases were all reevaluated for potential freedom could bring both wonderful hope and crushing agony. Unfortunately for Ana and Claudia, it always seemed to be the latter.
Claudia swung her feet from her chair, “Maybe it’ll be a good day this year, I mean we’ve both been doing pretty good right?” She looked at Ana hopefully.
“Yeah, pretty good.” Ana said distractedly as she stared into the lobby.
“Oh.” Claudia said as she glanced into the same room.
She patted Ana on the back, “Good luck.”
Luck was definitely needed by anyone coming into contact with the cold steely woman who was now striding through the waiting room doors. Her hair hardly moved from its sculpted position as she tapped rapidly down the hall. Ana watched her walk into one of the conference rooms; holding her breath as she waited for the doctor to come and take her to her mother.

Dark ripples spread out from her tiny boat. She peaked over its edge into a vast ocean and knew she should be afraid of what might swim below the surface but was only excited. It was her mind after all, and no demon below, however hideous, would be unknown to her. She folded her legs under her and worked a little worm onto a hook in her lap. Sunlight glowed down on her, making her shadow waver on the dark water. When the hook was ready she cast her line out into the water, wrapping her hands carefully around the fishing pole to keep it from flying from her hands if she caught something. She didn’t really care if she did, but was interested in what might happen if she tried. Casting a line out blindly into the waters of her mind, what might bite?

The woman smacked a magazine down on the desk, startling Ana out of her thoughts.
“Will you stop drifting off please?” She said sharply, “I asked how your day went.”
What did she want to hear?
“It was fun.”
“Did you do anything interesting?”
What would get her out of here?
“I drew some pictures, and made friends with one of the new girls.”
“A friend? Which one?”
Please
“Claudia.”
“Oh.” She paused, “That’s wonderful.”
Help me.
“Momma, do you know when I can come back home?”
The sleek woman in front of her hesitated and straightened the papers in the file she held in her lap, “I’m not quite sure Ana, we’ll just have to see won’t we?”
“Have to see?” Her lips quivered, “But you promised—“
There was a soft knock on the door and one of the doctors stuck his head in, “Mrs. Harper, may I see you for just a moment? I’m sorry to interrupt but—“
“No, no, it’s fine.” She said tightly. He nodded and ducked back out into the hall while she pushed back her chair.
“Momma, why are you going?”
“I’ll just be a second Ana; I need to talk to your doctor.”
Ana caught the edge of her coat, trying to tug her back, “But this is the only time--“
Her mother’s hand stroked absently at the bristly hair on her daughters head, “I’ll just be a minute.”
“But—“
“Oh for God’s sake!” The woman rummaged in her purse for a while and came up with a few colored pens. She slapped them and some paper down in front of her daughter with a hurried, “Draw something for me, I’ll be right back.” as she rushed out of the room.

Ana sobbed and fisted her hands over her eyes.
“Close, close!” she demanded of them, trying to sink back into her wonderful place.

“I’m sorry Doctor, what is it?”
“It’s about Ana.”
“I gathered that, what about her?”
“Well, it’s about her pictures.”
“Yes, she’s been telling me about the artwork she’s been—is something wrong?”
The doctor hesitated, “Have you ever seen her pictures?”
“No. Is there a problem with them?”
“It could be nothing, but, well take a look.”
He handed her a folder of pictures and she flipped it open. Her eyes widened and her breathe came faster as she flicked through them quickly. After she had scanned a few she snatched one and shoved the folder in the direction of the doctor. Almost at a run she slammed through the conference room door to hesitate at the threshold.
“Ana!?!” she called loudly, staring at her daughter’s empty chair. She walked further into the room to find Ana huddled in a corner.
“Oh Ana,” she sobbed as she tottered over to the girl, “Why didn’t you tell me?” She held out the picture like a peace offering.”
“It’s okay Momma,” Ana said, “I fixed it.”
She turned her face away from the corner and smiled at her mother beatifically, “See?”
With a little choked sound her mother let the picture drift to the ground. She stared wordlessly at her daughter’s face, then took a deep breath and began to scream.
But Ana just smiled and leaned her head gently against the wall.
She couldn’t see the ugliness any more.


-Meghan