Meghan: Ranting

I rarely do rants, but here's one anyway...

Back at school, and so the posts resume.

This is my last semester at this school, and I couldn’t be more scared, more confused than I am right now. Confused because the decision to switch schools will stalk me for the rest of my life and the student in me is screaming in my ear that I’m making a horrible mistake. But the me that wants to be happy is screaming in my other ear. Sometimes it gets so loud.

My New Year’s resolution is basically not to go insane. Am I capable of it? Hell yes, everyone is. I would rather not end up in a straight jacket in a padded room with the nice people in white coats. My dreams have told me that it wouldn’t work out well. But how does one keep from losing their mind? Can you consciously hold onto it, think ‘normal’ thoughts and do ‘normal’ things? But by forcing yourself to do something normal, wouldn’t that be abnormal to your normal behavior and a sign of craziness? Maybe the fact that I’m thinking about these things at all means I’ve already jumped off the deep end.

I’ve been told to relax, to stop thinking, to be happier, but I can’t just develop these personality quirks overnight. I can’t even seem to develop them over weeks. I’d like to think I have complete control over what I do and say, but there are all of those people who ‘just snapped.’ But what caused it? And how can I avoid it?
Calm doesn’t seem to be a part of my vocabulary anymore.
But I want it back damn it.

-Meghan