Meghan:UBERSUCK

“You realize what this means don’t you?”

Jasmine’s eyes snap open to the darkness of her dorm room.

She tries to lunge forward only to be brought up short by the clatter of handcuffs, shackling her wrists to the bedposts.

“Meghan, I’m going to fucking kill you.”

The lights flick on and Meghan is seen sitting cross-legged at the foot of the bed (safely out of reach) and holding a strange contraption cradled in her arms that looks like a cross between a flamethrower and a vacuumed cleaner.

“Hey Jasmine, long time no see! How’s life?”

“UNTIE ME STUPID!!!” Jasmine thrashes angrily

“No can do. You see, there’s a little problem. With your blogging. You mentioned that you want to keep all of your thoughts in your head? No, no, we can’t have that.”

Jasmine narrows her eyes suspiciously, “So you’re going to do… What exactly?”

Meghan grins and flourishes her weapon, “I present to you…

THE UBERSUCK 3000!!!”

…

…

“Ow, OW! Stop biting me! What was I supposed to name it? It’s supposed to suck out thoughts so it makes sense. And the Chibisuck sounds so nonthreatening…”

“It does what?”

“It sucks out thoughts! See, you just push this little button here—“

…Bzzzt…

…

…

“Jasmine?”

…

…

“Oh shit.”

Suddenly the rest of the F.F + Sarah’s roommate started to pound on the door. Of course they wanted to know why Jasmine was sleeping so early and if she wanted to go get pizza. Damn that two hour time difference between New Mexico and North Carolina, it always did screw up my traveling.

“Jasmine! Hurry up.” Abe called

Oh, what the hell.

I unlocked the door and opened it, “Hi guys!”

Expressions of joy mixed with confusion, “Meg--! Wait. Why are you--?”

“Later,” I waved towards the interior of the dorm, “I think I broke her.”

I received many different looks. They ranged from ‘you idiot’ to ‘What the hell?’

They all traipsed into the dorm, Sarah’s roomie last.

“Who are you?”

I spread my hands and gazed towards the heavens, “They call me the angel of death—“

Doug smacked the back of my head.

“So where exactly is she?” he asked

“Handcuffed to the bed.”

He blinked at me, “Right, obviously. And do you have a key?”

I just looked at him.

“Stupid question, Abe can you pick those things please?

When we’d lifted her down we pondered the mystery of how to turn her into herself once more.

“We could just start pushing buttons.”-Meghan

“We could take the machine to a technician and have him systematically examine it until he found the correct lever to reverse it.”- Sarah’s roommate

“We could make cookies.”-Sarah

“We could put her soul into a giant robotic killing machine and then enter her in robot wars and take over the world! Jasmine wouldn’t mind.”-Abe

“What the fuck is wrong with you people? We still have those fireworks from the Fourth of July, maybe if we set them all off at once…”- Doug

So eventually we came to the conclusion that we couldn’t agree, so we decided to try all of our plans on the Ubersuck that held Jasmine’s soul. And loe and behold, when Sarah began baking her cookies the aroma wafted through the air and the Ubersuck (which still sizzled from Doug’s fiery attack) crumbled in defeat and Jasmine’s soul drifted back into her body.

But the battle was not over yet.

I crept over and warily poked her in the arm, “Jasmine?”

Her eyes slid open, and I darted back, “Good, you’re okay! See everything’s fine, nothing to worry about…”

She rolled over onto her knees, “Meghan, while I was fighting robots, being dissected by engineers, and lit on fire, I had time to think.”

I paused briefly from my getaway, “About what?”

She grinned evilly, “About the bloody and terrible revenge that I will reap upon your soul.”

Jeeze that sounded sort of harsh.

“Well, I’ll leave you to that, and I think I’ll just…go.” I backed towards the door.

“Go? Oh, I don’t think so. You’ve forgotten that I have the ultimate bargaining chip!” And then she snapped out her hands and what was it she held? The key to my soul which stopped me in my tracks despite imminent torture?

A $1 bill

Everyone gasped in horror.

Well, nearly everyone; Sarah’s roommate snorted in disbelief,

“Come on, nobody’s that cheap.”

“Some people are,” Doug said solemnly, “some people are.”

Some stories have no endings...

-Meghan