That guy: Story Time!

There will be no deep signifigance in this blog. That is for the others. My deep thinking happens in the shower or on the toilet. It also tends to stay there, because I forget it.

With that being said...........................................


It's STORYTIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(In order for this to work, you need to picture LeVar Burton saying all this. Not 'Geordie LaForge' Burton, but Reading Rainbow Burton. Think smiley and sappy.)

Todays story is a fun one written by a group of malajusted teens out for a good time.

(Cue cheesy theme music. Fade into scene.)

Cut to -

Driveway. The setting is an upper middle class house. A white Jeep sits in on the double car side, engine on, obviously waiting for someone. The front door slams open and closed. A greasy looking teen comes running out, dressed in grungy clothing, obviously glad to have escaped the inside. He is greeted by the two memebers already occupying the vehicle.

'Girlzilla' - Girlzilla is a monstrosity. Tallest motherfucker you've ever met. She is well toned, very athletic, very attractive, and did I mention she's freaking tall? She is the driver, and steps out to hug the teen charging towards the car.

We'll call her Tara, because Girlzilla is obnoxious to type 17 billion times.

'Redneckstrocity' - Although dwarfed by Tara, he's pretty freaking huge as well. He's much broader than Tara, and also unlike her, he has a bit of pudge on him. This doesn't detract from how built he is. He has no definition and bulging muscles to speak of, but he's strong. The size helps, too.

We'll call him Joe, for reasons the same as above.

Joe is less active, but pleased to see the teen, who we'll call Abe, heading towards the car. He eagerly shakes hands, and does the half back-pat, half hug, all man kinda greeting.

They get in the car and drive off, with a night of plans being laid out.



Part 1: The Game.


Joe, Abe, and Tara are friends for strange reasons. They don't really click on a whole lot. They all participated in ROTC together, in which the two males really ended up challenging each other on various physical activities. Joe and Tara never had a thing, but Joe really liked her, and because of that, he invited her to spend time together. He never had the sack to do anything about it, and for that reason, it never went anywhere. I think she's in his top 4 on Myspace, and that's about as far as it landed. Joe and Abe spent a decent amount of time together outside of school. Technically it was on the school's time, but when you're going through the best years of your life, who wants to spend it in a classroom. They ditched often, leaving right after ROTC, and hustling over to Joes truck, parked on the curb in the dirt for an easy escape. Often, they would invite various females to come along. Some would drive, some would hitch rides. There was only one consistancy. What to do when ditching.

That's where the game takes effect. It requires focus, a high level of energy, intense spurts of physical activity, and it often lead to Joe, Abe, and the random groupies all smoking after the fact. Yes, ladies and gentlemen.....................................................









DDR.


Abe was easily the master, and gladly assisted Joe whenever he needed it. They both grew in skill, and became known by name due to the frequency of these trips.



Tonight, however, was not during school. And it was later than usual. The sun was just starting to set as Abe was picked up from the house. Tara drove well, and they trio made it to 'The Locale de Partay' in no time. The game began.

Joe and Abe had a very set list of songs to be played. This list was often repeated several times. They both had different tastes in some songs, but for the most part, it all worked out. Tara wasn't a player of the game, and chose to sit and watch. What single, attractive female wouldn't want to watch two sweaty, friendly males play with each other?

This went on for a couple of hours. The guys could have gone forever, but tokens were running out, and Tara needed to get home at some point. She had basketball practice or something. Being chivalrous, kind-hearted gentlemen, Joe and Abe decided to end the game, because they had no interest in walking back. Rather than smoking to celebrate, the guys convinced Tara to join them in something much healthier.

1,000,000 oz. sodas.

The gas station on the way offered a bucket of drink for under a dollar. Joe and Abe often took advantage of this, negating all health benifits of playing DDR. The situation was different, however. Instead of being a really big guy, and a well built but small guy, the group was now a really big guy, a well built but small guy, and the hugest person ever to walk the Earth. It changed how things would work forever.

The terrible trio walked into the station, and walked over to the drink machines. This is where things went horribly wrong. Tara, Joe, and Abe, all trying to squeeze through a tiny walkway didn't work out. Tara lifted Abe over her head, WWE status, spun him around untill he was nothing more than a blur, and launched him into a shelf display full of Corn Nuts. The combined density of Abe's awsome muscles, and power of Tara's grotesque size caused what, if caught on film, would have been shown as stock footage of a nuclear mushroom cloud.


Not really.


Tara bumped Abe into a shelf of nuts. It fell down. It was an accident.

But it's more fun to tell it the first way.


Anyways, the three re-assembled the shelf, got their bathtub sized drinks, piled back into the car, and all promptly drowned due to the amount of soda that was simultaneously placed into the Jeep.


Another not really. They started driving back towards Abe's house. They were driving along, and there was almost no traffic around. This lead to the jostling and jiving of Tara, who was driving the speed limit. Joe and Abe, whenever together, never obeyed it. In fact, in order for Abe to get to a Speech and Debate tournament on time, Joe was doing 25 miles over the speed limit on residental streets, PAST A POLICE MOTORCADE. Needless to say, Abe got where he was going on time. Because we don't give a damn, we don't give a fuck.

But going back to our story. Joe and Abe were giving Tara a hard time because there wasn't a car in sight, and she was driving the speed limit on a very long, relatively straight street. After about 20 seconds of this nonsense, Tara gave up, and started to push her foot on the accelerator. Not 15 milliseconds after she started, a screeching wail came out of no where. A police cruiser was flying down the road, heading straight towards them, lights spinning, siren screaming. Cursing her head off, Tara started to pull to the side of the road, with a hysterical Joe and Abe laughing uncontrollably.

As she pulled over, reaching for her registration and such, the cop car goes flying past, on its way to a real something.

This causes Joe and Abe to crack up harder. Tara turns and begins flailing on both Abe and Joe, who continue to laugh. It turns out that going exactly the speed limit with intent to maybe, possibly go faster isn't a crime, and cops can't detect that with their radar.

Anyways, Abe was dropped off. Then Joe. Tara went on to win the Worlds Freakin Tallest Smashing People Into Things Award.

It was a good time.








(Cue sappy end music.)

Fade out to -

LeVar Burton

"See you next time kids!"

Fade out to -

Mr. Rogers

"Goodbye, neighbor!"

Fade out to -

A Scotsman on a horse.


The end.