Dear Readers,
Imagine, if you will, a man pouring gasoline on himself, bystanders watching curiously, unaware. It's 1300, in the middle of the week, in the main square of some campus, somewhere. People are everywhere. One of them figures it out all of a sudden, and makes a suicidal lunge towards the man but slipps on the spilled gas. Then the doused man lights a match.
He is instantly engulfed in flame, the man who tried to stop him rolls away, barely in time to avoid being immolated himself. Bystanders freeze for a second as the human torch erupts in front of them. Then a reaction, instantly jackets and sweaters are taken off and the man is attacked from all sides by samaritans, all trying desprately to put this man out, to save his life. One is so dedicated that he takes off his pants and tries to use that. All of it to save a life that seems determined to take itself.
Police arrive on the scene some time later. Ambulances clean up the mess. A crowd of well over two thousand people watch. I watch, and think.
A man killed himself yesterday. Publically. I missed the actual event by a total of maybe two minutes. What I did see was the body. What I smelled was burnt hair and skin. What I tasted was that awful lyme taste that fire extinguishers somehow leave in the air. Face and arms charred black, steam and smoke still rising from the shit they tried to put him out with. A small prayer circle formed near me, people who didn't look like they'd prayed in their lives joining in. I glance at that, then return my eyes to the scene.
Distantly, Intellectually, I know that I should care. I should be freaked out. I should be alight myself with empathy and sympathy for the charred corpse. But I'm not. I could care less that this man was so emotionally and mentally disturbed that he felt the need to burn himself to death in public. The stench didn't bother me, the sight didn't bother me, the taste of the fire extinguishers in the air annoyed me.
I'm not in shock. Because it doesn't shock me. People are fucked up. People kill themselves, people die in awful ways all day, every day.
I do feel something though. I feel proud that my fellow students didn't just let him die. People tried to save him.
I don't care about this man's life. He's made no statement by killing himself, merely scarred my school and left an emotional bloodstain on my classmates. He forfieted any rights to any sympathy when he made his pain public in that manner. I don't care for him, but I care about those he harmed, and those that tried to save him.
Interestingly enough, I think I would have cared a year ago. I probably would have felt really bad that this guy killed himself. Six years ago i might have cried about it. I was a sensitive child. Now i focus on important things. Half an hour after the incident I'm in Soc, and my biggest concern is that my professor is going to fast for me to take notes. Others around me are still disscussing the burning man. One kid next to me appears shell shocked. I nudge him. "Move past it man."
"How can I move past it? The guy just burned himself alive. How do you move past that?" he looks at me, "How are you feeling?"
I eyeball my weaker friend feeling bad for him, "I just don't care man. Guy was an idiot."
I wonder if I'm becoming more apathetic or my sense of Justice is changing. Maybe I'm a cold hearted bastard. Maybe it's part of my training as a Marine. I could see that.
I've been trained to push away fear, fatigue, sadness, sorrow, pain. I've been trained to care only about my teammates and the mission, never myself, never those not inside my circle. The only emotions I'm allowed to feel are agression and fierce loyalty.
Is it my training taking hold or something else? I don't know. I do know this though. I am focused, and I'm very sure that in an emergency situation I wouldn't freeze, and that's one of the things I wanted to learn in the Marines.
I'm learning these things. But sometimes I wonder at what price?
-Doug
"Come on, Come on, Put your hands into the fire."
-Into the Fire, Thirteen Senses
4 comments:
I wonder what made him choose such a painful way to death. There are so many other sucidal methods that would have been easier. I think the man was crying out for someone to care. And the truth is that everyone did care. People that didn't know him didn't want him to die. But where were they when he was feeling so depressed? Did I ever tell you that one of the things I want to do with my life is to raise awareness about mental illness, especially depression? It has affected me and my family in so many ways, that it touches me personally. And Doug, strength doesn't come from the ability not to care. Strength comes from the ability to care about others more than one cares about himself. SO don't let the Marines fool you into thinking that it is stronger to negate all emotion, and act. In truth, it is stronger to have all emotion, and still be able to act. Only in dealing with the things that happen to us, are we able to handle what happens next. If you need to talk about it, I'm a call away.
Sarah
I don’t think this is a Marine training thing – mainly because you haven’t been in it long enough that it could have fundamentally changed you. Also, I don’t believe that your training teaches you not to care about yourself – if so, it is fundamentally flawed. There may be things you are willing to sacrifice yourself for, but those are things that by necessity are rare and extremely valuable. There is a world of difference between putting yourself in harm’s way with the possibility of being killed to accomplish a greater good and pursuing a course of action that one knows with absolute certainty that it will result in one’s own death.
I agree with you that it is difficult to empathize with or find respect for someone that takes the latter course without some overriding benefit for those left behind. It seems to me to be a failure of courage to face life’s challenges and a failure of imagination in how to address and resolve those challenges. It also is psychologically aberrant behavior by definition in that it requires overcoming a basic human and animal instinct – that of self-preservation.
However, not caring is also somewhat of a defensive mechanism. It is difficult to imagine what circumstances and depression would bring someone with over 61 years of living experience to decide that it was no longer worth it to continue living. Caring would lead one to explore the depths and causes of those circumstances with the inevitable result of comparing them to one’s own life. Therein lies the threat – is my life so different? What are my reasons for continuing to struggle? Are they worth it? That can be a slippery slope to venture down if one is not grounded and confident in one’s own self-worth. So by not caring or by telling one’s self that you don’t care, one can avoid that self-examination for a later time. That may be a healthy thing.
Finally, the simple fact is that it is easier to care for those we know than those we don’t. It may in fact be best for all to not take on that burden and leave it to those who do have enough information to possibly sort out the why and wherefore of the situation. I don’t think that it’s necessarily a bad thing to realize that one has enough issues and obstacles to confront in this world without having to take on everyone else’s burdens. Training or not, I think it can be valuable to have the ability to acknowledge that this is, perhaps, a tragic situation, to acknowledge the valor of those present who attempted do something about it, and to put it aside and, as you so aptly put it, “move past it.” Perhaps though, one could be a bit more sensitive for the feelings of others by simply stating “he’s left us in a position where there’s nothing anyone can do for him” rather than “the guy was an idiot.”
DW,
So I had not read this until today (nov 3) and despite what I said today I think this was your best blog since the summer. I also think that you would have been one to help him if fate had put you in a position to do so. I would not be suprised, had you been in this situation, if you were one of the brave selfless souls to try and save this man that you still would have felt apathy at him, perhaps even more anger. The thing about tragedy is that life goes on in spite of it. You had to go to class, your teacher still taught. Doctors deal with death every day and continue to work. Its also not possible for each death in this world to be grived by everyone. Sometimes you have times you must let it all go. Other times you have to hold it in and move on.
In my opinion it did affect you because it made the blog. I understand that you were writing about your apathy to it. I think that if it had truly meant nothing to you, you would not have written at all. Even if it was about the apathy.
I love you, I think you a tough good compationate dude, and your blog, nor our conversations about it have made me feel any other way.
I think you have the right stuff.
Jordan
I, too, feel by the very act of writing that you do care. But I believe the strongest emotion you feel is anger toward this man. His very public choice of ending his life demanded that others take part. No one who witnessed his actions could have known when they woke up that morning that they would be forced into action by such a desperate act. I, like you, feel a heavy sorrow for everyone who witnessed this tragedy, "scarred my school and left an emotional bloodstain on my classmates." "I care about those he harmed and those that tried to save him." And yet you call your soc. classmate, "my weaker friend" because he cares and is still upset. Re read what your smart friend Sarah wrote about strength and emotion.
I pray that the man you took 19 years to become hasn't been so wholly changed in the 6 or so weeks you've been in Marine ROTC. You don't know what your reaction would have been had you been there as it was happening, "I'm very sure that in an emergency situation I wouldn't freeze." I already knew that about you. No one can or should be able to tell you which emotions to feel. Value your new found confidence, strength and loyalty (always being sure the person you give it to deserves it.) But if you cannot keep your humanity and love your fellow man then what is there to fight for?
You ask yourself, "what price?" I ask, "What price are you willing to pay?"
I love you more than words can say.
M
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